Due to my work, scheduals and responsabilities at home, I have installed this next Hawg story in Chapters. Keep looking for the next chapter.
Well, now that I had returned from California, I sat relaxing reading the paper. Headlines read, ‘Major riot in San Francisco between bikers, gays and law enforcement.’. I, just sighed, the Bubba brothers wiping out a biker gang, being chased by law enforcement from Ed using plastic explosives as lures, almost getting booty plugged from bar room football, having to dress and a Homo to escape San Francisco and Officer “Donut” catching me dressed up in a wig, halter top, shorts with cellophane butt checks and I still had them dang earrings in my nose and ear. I thought to myself that fishing just isn’t his bag. I better try something else for a change.
A knock came at the door. I opened it to see Bill Twine, the local UPS guy, standing there holding a package. “Morning, sweet checks!” Bill dragged on. I grabbed the package and slammed the door. “Hey,” Bill yelled, “you got to sign this here invoice Hawg!”
I yelled aloud, “Pull your pants down Bill and sign it with that pencil di.... of yours!” Bill kept knocking but after a while he just gave up and left. I opened the package that came from Ed. It was the stuffed big bass that Ed stunned from the C-4 charge. I placed it on the wall next to Ole Lerch. There was a note and an envelope in the box also. I removed the note and read it. “ Hawg, ole buddy your visit was, well, strange. This city has been upside down since your visit. Next time we fish, I’ll COME THERE! Ed PS here is a letter from TimberWolf. He stopped by after you left.”
I opened the sealed envelope. There was letter from TimberWolf. “Howdy Hawg, you been ok partner”. Me and “Puddenhead” was glad to help you with the bikers. We have a new business going here in Georgia and Puddenhead and me want to invite you and your ole lady to come to the grand opening. See ya soon TimberWolf and “Puddenhead”!” The letter also contained two free passes to “TimberWolf and Puddenhead’s Hunting Lodge and Junk Yard”. I thought how much old TimberWolf liked his dog so much to put Puddenhead’s name on it. Then I thought how Bubba Cud got his name and I shuttered.
I showed Bonnie Sue the passes and she was jumping for joy to finally get out of the house. She must have overlooked the junk yard part. She went packing and tossing clothes all over the place. I was so impressed that she was excited about hunting. “Hooonnnney, you wanting to go aren’t you?”
“Hawg, what do you think?” she sighed, “It’s not everyday Southern Belle gets to go to a resort!”
I thought it was more like the bells of Notre Dame and she talked like Quasimoto or Taco Bell as much as she eats. She would be better than that dog but I don’t think they sell tacos by the twenty five pack. Besides it was more gofer hunting in diesel engines than a lodge.
Bags backed and truck full of gas, we were off driving to Georgia. Bonnie Sue kept talking all the way of romantic boat rides, candle light buffet dinners, a suite with a view, room service, a large golf course, horseback ridding, live entertainment, imported wines and ball room dancing. I on the other hand knew better. I knew TimberWolf.
Into a nice part of northern Georgia we went. Into some nice country areas, wooded and clean air. I started to think that I had mistaken ole TimberWolf. Then they arrived at a sign that said, ‘TimberWolf and Puddenhead’s Hunting Lodge and Junk Yard. 5 Miles ahead.’.
As we approached the majestic place I was regaining confidence of my prediction. A ten foot wooden, run down fence appeared with hand paint advertisement signs. The signs varied from Blue Star Ointment to finally a Purina Puppy Chow ad that had a picture of an ugly boxer dog. I new this was TimberWolf’s place from the picture of Puddenhead. That old flea bag and me never did get along. It reminded me of Bonnie Sue, trying to bite off my butt and always yapping in a tone like fingernails screeching down a black board.
I pulled into the entrance and we entered the majestic palace grounds. Bonnie Sue gasped and then in a low tone that kept getting louder, “No, no, no...No!! Hawg you didn’t tell me that it looked like THIS!” I just shook my head and sighed.
There was a sign in the long driveway that said “Tropical Garden”. What I was looking at was three foot tall crab grass and fescue. The driveway itself peagravel and sandstone. Ole TimberWolf must have spent days getting them from highway underpasses. We finally came to the lodge itself. A three story house that looked like the Adams Family mansion. A banner stretched across broken windows saying, “Grand Opening”. To the left of the house was a long barn that had horse stables on the outside of it. There was an assortment of new vehicles in them stalls. Must be TimberWolf’s version of a carport. The first one that caught my eye was a van with “Bandit’s Love Machine” painted on the side with a picture of that Hugh Heffner want-to-be Bass Bandit himself. Next to it was a repainted U-Haul truck that said, “William Tell’s Bow and Archery Shop On Wheels”. In the last stall was a Hummer that had U.S.M.C. all over it. This cameo beauty could only belong to Iceman and his wife Mercenary Mary. There were many of the old fishing club Anglers, Pier and Seps. I knew this was going to be a treat. Some can’t get along with each other over the Internet, let alone in a building with weapons. My earrings were twitching. Trouble was about to happen.
TimberWolf came out to greet us. He was smiling with out that left front tooth. He said he lost it in a bar fight taking on six huge men. DragonLady said they were fishing Millie when TimberWolf had a backlash with his bait caster reel. While TimberWolf was trying to untangle the birdsnest he used his teeth to pull out a knot. His spinner was still in the water when a big Muskie ran with it. The entire works jumped out of TimberWolf’s hands knocking the tooth and him from the boat. DragonLady tried to pull him in but the boat swung around with the trolling motor on full blast. That super thrust blade ripped off one of TimberWolf’s butt pockets and whacked off a chunk of hair before breaking the props on his head. TimberWolf promised DragonLady a breadmaker if she wouldn’t say anything. DragonLady said that TimberWolf looked like a dog with the mange.
TimberWolf said, “Howdy all. Didn’t know if you were going to make it.”
Bonnie Sue gave TimberWolf a stern look, “This aint no resort, it’s a nightmare! Hawg I ought to kick your butt”
TimberWolf took Bonnie Sues hand and we went in the lodge. Inside looked like I had pictured it, cheap. There was bar for the desk counter. A chandelier hung from the ceiling That was made of old battery lanterns like we had as kids. Above the desk was a molting moose head that had one antler duck taped on. The entire decor was that of rustic yard sale, nothing matched. The wooden paneling was old barn boards, some still had the splatter of the original cow patties. There was an aluminum horse trough against the wall that contained bass, catfish and I swear, minnows painted gold to look like goldfish. I could see a doorway that must lead to the grand dinning area because I seen picnic tables covered with pound puppy bed sheets as tablecloths. Further, there was a glass water cooler that had an airiator for the crawdads swimming around the gravel at the bottom. This must be TimberWolf’s version of Rock Lobster. TimberWolf introduced us to Mel the Chief. Mel looked like the cook in HeeHaw. His big belly stretched out the food stained T-shirt and he was twirling in his mouth what I thought was a cigar. Up close I seen it was a carrot.
I said, “Hi there. I see that you’re trying to quit smoking?”
Mel smiled, winked at me and replied with green teeth, “Naw, just washing it!”
I knew he was joking but Bonnie Sue didn’t. I seen she was sickened. Her checks puffed out, eyes got big and she was looking around frantically. I asked TimberWolf where the toilet was and when he pointed down a small hallway Bonnie Sue took off like a track sprinter before TimberWolf could speak.
“Becarefull there small one stalls!” TimberWolf yelled at her. “ Ohh yea, the girls room is on the LEFT!!” he yelled loader.
Bonnie Sue was loosing it just as she reached the door. She slung it open and darted in. Only she opened the right door. I heard a man’s voice cry out, “ HEY LADY!!?” Then the sound of super projectile splashing. All was quiet a minute when I looked at a man come out from behind the door and walked like a Zombie. He had one hand outstretched like a mummy and the other was holding his britches up as his butt was still exposed. He was in a daze as he came closer. Bonnie Sue had hurled on him. Four plates of Spaghetti, an entire loaf of garlic bread, an entire cherry pie and five glasses of diet coke covered this man. A whole piece of cherry was wedged in his nose as he apparently tried to gasp for air. I then recognized him. It was my ole buddy Viper! He kept walking and went up the steps to the next floor. Butt still hanging out, his britches was full of the goo like a pot holding water.
Bonnie Sue came out next. When ole Viper caught the first main wave he got up. Bonnie Sue did it again only this time the bowl contents backsplash on her! Her hair was adorned with toilet paper and a big old homemade Babe Ruth bar was on top of her hair like a ribbon.
Mel was standing in the dinning room hallway surveying what he caused. “Hmmm, hey TW how’s about cherry pie for desert tonight?” he chuckled as he went back in singing “Roses are red. Violets are blue. Toilet paper is pink until you get through!”
Bonnie Sue, embarrassed and pieved, pointed to me and said in a voice like the Exorcist, “DON’T you even say a word. And YOU” she pointed at TimberWolf, “ show me to our room and bring me towels.” Fire was emitting from her eyes and the stuff covering her was cooking.
TimberWolf and I jumped back and he replied, “YYYES MAMM!!”
We went into our room and TimberWolf hurried with the towels. TimberWolf gave me a brochure about the place that listed the events of the says to come. Now this was interesting, duck, deer, elk, moose, bear, coon, turkey, quail and pheasant hunting. “TimberWolf, you have all of these here?” I asked.
“Yepper! Some was here already and some was imported.” He replied.
Bonnie Sue came from the shower in a robe and peered at TimberWolf and me. She was a little cooled off. Had too, there was no hot water. “I gave up my vacation this year for this....Thisss....THIS DUMP!?” she bellowed and moved closer to TimberWolf clutching her fist.
“Now, now Bonnie Sue! ..Take it easy!” TimberWolf backed up looking for the door. “ Look now, you can do whatever you want here and it’s all on me! OKAY?”
Bonnie Sue crossed her arms an said, “Well, all right but nothing else better happen!”
We toured the grounds to see what we were in for.
All the things that Bonnie Sue had talked about was here, romantic boat rides was plugging the hole in the aluminum boat, candle light buffet dinners was beanie weenies by a Coleman lantern, , a suite with a view was a room over looking the outhouse, room service was an out of order snack machine, a large golf course was a putt -putt coarse, horseback ridding was mule rides, live entertainment was the local slushes tooten their booze bottles, imported wines and ball room dancing was moon shine and two stepping. TimmberWolf had it all in a hunting lodge.
As we sat eating our bean and wienies I was greeted by my old friends. Even ole Viper came by to say hello and tell Bonnie Sue that he had no hard feelings . I noticed that most of the guys had there wives there too. At least the women folk were go to have someone to talk too. Bonnie Sue hit it off with Iceman’s wife, Mercenary Mary. I couldn’t tell if it was for conversation or if Bonnie Sue was getting pointers. Every time poor Iceman tried to eat a mouthful, his ole lady would smack him on the back of the head. The women took to her like a leader as she kept pounding ole Ice.
At least with the women all getting along we men may get a chance to go out without them. With out saying anything us guys all looked at each other in silent understanding that we all thought the same thing. All but Bass Bandit. Our women folk was staring at him with dream bout eyes. The playboy of the lake was at work again. He was like stinkbait, he made all the catfish whiskers squirm around in their seats. What ever us men folk were going to do, you better believe that Bandit was coming with us.
Mel appeared from the kitchen with four cherry pies. He strategically placed them between Bonnie Sue and Viper. “Taste better the first time going down!” he laughed. All of had a laugh.
Timberwolf stood up and said, “I like to make everyone’s stay here an enjoyable one. So wish to perpose that the men hunt together and the women hunt together.
Bonnie Sue was talking with the other girls and they wanted to challenge us. They said that if they beat us we would have to take them to a real resort. If we would win then, they would let us guys come back here again alone and we could buy all the fishing gear we wanted this year. Us guys all grinned and agreed.
The men divided in half. Some where going to do one thing and the others were going to go on another. We drew straws to see what we were going to do. TimberWolf , Bass Bandit, William Tell, Iceman and myself were going to go duck hunting in the morning.
TimberWolf stood up and said, “ Ok then we will meet at Lake Puddenhead tomorrow at 5:00am.”
A thought just occurred to me. I asked, “ Hey TimberWolf, were is that old flea bag of yours, Puddenhead?”
“He was at the vet today getting his teeth worked on.” TimberWolf said.
“Teeth worked on?” I asked. “Are they rotting out?” I laughed.
“Nope!” TimberWolf said, “ Getting gold caps on them!” With that note we all laughed and went to bed.
Early the next morning we all had the lodges’ breakfast of champions, pop tarts and fruit loops. Afterwards we headed for the kennels and pick out our dogs. The girls pick two female retrievers. TimberWolf picked ole fleabag himself, Puddenhead. The dog started barking and growling at me like usual. With the trucks loaded up and a quick weapons class we headed for the lake. The lake was nice and huge. The women headed for the West bank and we took the East. We settled down in our blinds and waited for daybreak. The women were laughing and kept blowing on the duck calls making all kinds of racket.
I felt the call of mother nature. So I left the blind to go into the woods. Pulling my pants off, I squatted down under a tree. I heard a rustle to my left. I seen limbs move through the trees. My heart jumped into my throat when I seen brown fur. Ohh no, it was a grizzly bear!. Good thing I had my pants off cause I was letting it rip now. I heard something right behind me also! I held my breath as I slowly moved my head around. I just caught a glimpse of Puddenhead. I sighed relief for Puddenhead would go for the bear and save me. As usual, I was wrong. Puddenhead didn’t even see the bear. He was sneaking up on me. I seen the flash of gold teeth open and snap. Snap right on my bare butt that is. Pain shot up my butt checks as I jumped up. Up I went into the air. My head ran into a bee hive in the tree. The hive covered my head and honey was in my eyes sticking my eye lids closed. It was running down my back as a landed again. Puddenhead hadn’t let go. I tried to swat at him but it didn’t work he only bit harder. I felt the hot breath of something behind me besides Puddenhead. I felt something rub my right shoulder to the left shoulder. Then I felt stings from the bees. I started to jump around and then heard the growl of the grizzly. It was the bear that was licking the honey off my shoulders. It must have been a sight to see. Me running half naked in the woods, a boxer dog named Puddenhead clamp down and hanging from my butt cheeks, a big old grizzly bear chasing me, a bee hive on my head, swarming bees around me while I was holding onto my manhood from getting stung again. I ran and ran, bumping into trees and getting whipped by limbs. I ran around the lake and still felt that bear breathing and growling. Puddenhead was riding my butt like a bull rider that couldn’t get off after eight seconds. I heard voices and ran for them. I then heard a couple of bangs and fell down from exhaustion. Laying face first, butt bleeding, covered with honey, whelps arose on my legs from bees and saplings whipping. Puddenhead was sticking straight up still hanging on with them gold teeth.
Now Bonnie Sue, had seen me running to them. She raised her gun up and fired at the bear dropping it in one shot. The recoil threw her back and she fired again. Ducks flew up everywhere. She didn’t hit a single one instead she hit a low flying crop duster plane. The plane droped low then flew away but not after running into a flock of ducks. The plane wings hit them ducks knocking the out cold. They hit the water and the retrievers went in after them.
I awoke in our room with a big old bandage on my butt. They guys told me that they had a time getting Puddenhead from my rear. After an hour or two I began passing gas and he let go whining. The doctor had sewn up the bite marks. They said that the girls are way ahead and that we had to do better tomorrow. The score was one bear and six ducks to nothing. The crop duster didn’t count.
I awoke once during the night from someone screaming. We went into the hall to see what it was. A door down the hall opened up and Iceman ran out then into the wall bare naked except for his tattoos on his arms. Mercenary Mary stepped out clad in BDU’s with spiked combat boots carrying a “Cat of nine tails”. She cracked that whip on Iceman’s bare behind. (KERWAP! CRACK!) Iceman yelped out and shouted, “Thank you maam, may I have another!!”
Bonnie Sue stood in the hallway and gasped, “Mercy!”
Mercenary Mary looked at her and then to my earrings in my nose and ear and said, “That’s right honey! Make’m beg for mercy!” Then she twirled a bull whip from the other hand snapped it around Iceman. With a yank Ice sailed back into the room followed by Mercenary Mary. The door closed and a few more whacks followed screams of pain could be heard.
Bonnie Sue turned to me then entered our room saying, “ I like that girl!”
The echo from their room could still be heard. I grimaced with every strike of the whip. I felt sorry for Ice until I heard, “You give me that back soldier!” Then I heard another whack but it was a different response this time.
“Oooh General! Take the beach!” I heard some one yell.
Then I heard Iceman giving Military Marine cadence followed by Mary singing “From the Hall’s of Montizuma!” Finally all was quiet. Bonnie Sue rolled over and gave me a strange look and smiled. “Don’t you even think about it!!” I answered her look. We drifted into sleep. The next day we were going to try our luck at moose.