The Moose Hunt
I slept through the night like a baby, I mean really slept like a baby. Legs under me and bare butt in the air. The doc said to let it air out and give the stitches time to heal. I awoke from giggling and something brushing across my exposed fanny in the air. I turned around to see Bonnie Sue looking surprised and quickly putting something behind her back. I asked what she had but she said nothing. She backed off the bed and darted into the bathroom. “We are going to be late for today’s hunt Hawg, if we don’t hurry.”
I tried to get off of the bed the best way possible. My rear was sore and aching. Once off I tried to turn around to look at what she was doing to me. Alas, I hadn’t been able to do that for years. My gut seemed to get in the way. Bonnie Sue always got on to me for my large gut. I told her that I was weightlifting and had my stomach were I wanted it. I just had to work on the rest of my body.
I couldn’t see any mirror in the room to assist me in seeing what was up with the old big booty. While I was not paying attention, she ran past me and out into the hallway. I went into the bathroom and used the full length mirror to check my backside. “BONNIE SUE!!” I yelled at the top of my lungs. When I gazed into the mirror I saw that she had drawn a big Popeye on my tush. The stitches from Puddenhead’s bite was in the shape of the pipe bowl and the stem was going to what supposed to be his mouth, but I won’t go there. On the sink I seen the marker. Permanent marker, but of course, what other kind would she use. I looked in the mirror at my earrings still dangling from my nose and ear.
I went back to the night stand to get some of the medicine that doc had left for me. There was a note laying on the table. “Hawg, your stitches need a day or two to heal right. If you insist on going out wrap a sheet around you and wear bib overalls. This will fit loose and let you wound heal with out rubbing the stitches out. Signed Doc.” I yanked off the sheets and wrapped one around me. It was bulky and kept falling off. I went to the medicine cabinet and opened it up. I looked for something to use. I seen what I was hunting for, “Ah Ha!”
Down to the dinning room I went in my bib overalls. I looked at Bonnie Sue and gave her the stare. Her and the other girls started to laugh out loud. She must have told them of what she did. My anger quickly turned into embarrassment as I tried to sit down.
“How’s the behind Hawg?” TimberWolf asked.
“You keep that flee bag away from me now!” I replied.
“Don’t worry, I had him tied up until you leave.” TimberWolf said scratching his head, “Funny though, you the only one that he don’t like.”
“Well the feeling is mutual I guarantee.”
Mel came in and asked, “ Hawg you want biscuits, gravy, eggs and bacon or pancakes?”
“Well, I really don’t like pancakes that much so I will take an order of the other.” I said looking at the stack of pancakes piled up on the table.
“Good. Me neither! So when you run down to McDonalds get me an order too!” Mel said as he turned back into the kitchen.
“Do they have spinach shakes Hawg?” Mercinary Mary laughed.
“ Spinach shake? Well enough of that.” TimberWolf said, “We have business to attend to. The ladies have a head start on you guys with one bear and six ducks.”
William Tell asked “ TW you really going to count them ducks. She really didn’t hit them ducks, the plane did! It’s a wonder that you didn’t hurt or kill him Bonnie Sue!”
“Speaking of that, here is a bill from Bob the crop duster guy.” TimberWolf said as he handed Bonnie Sue the bill.
“It ain’t mine!” Bonnie Sue said as she engulfed her tenth pancake, “It’s Hawg’s trip not mine.”
TimberWolf handed me the bill instead. I snatched it from his hands and opened it. “Three hundred dollars!??” I yelled continuing to read. “For wing repairs, lost fuel and HAINES UNDERWEAR?”
“I imagine so Hawg.” Bass Bandit put in, “That plane was a flying over you guys when Bonnie Sue shot that bear in his tracks. The recoil knocked her back and she shot that plane. It dipped down and took out a flock ducks. Darndest think I have ever seen besides them earrings you still got on your face. You lucky man, Hawg to have Annie Oakly as a wife.”
Bonnie Sue and the girls just sighed at his remarks. Taken in by his bachelor charm. Bass bandit continued, “ I would send her flowers for saving my life!”
I said, “Flowers? More like they will be lilies if this Popeye don’t come off soon!”
“What Popeye?” Iceman finally spoke.
Knowing my mistake for letting the cat out of the bag. I quickly said, “Never mind!” Trying to change the subject, “Where are we going today TW?”
“ Well we are going to the North part of my property. There are some big elk and moose up there. Goes allot up the sides of a mountain range that adjoins my land. The other land is inhabited by mountain people. They all right folk but tend to stay up there to themselves.” TimberWolf said. “Well, lets get started, shall we!”
Outside there was two loaded up Blazer TimberWolf style. Banged up and rusting. Ours even had the rear window knocked out. Up the mountains we went, bogedy boogie. Iceman was driving and TimberWolf was navigating. Ice was transformed into a NY taxi driver. Every bump and pothole he hit. We were bouncing like rag dolls in the back. I glanced back at the other blazer. Bonnie Sue was driving. Like usual, if it was stationary, she hit it. Only this time I didn’t care it was TimberWolf’s problem not mine.
We reached the base of the mountain range. What a beautiful site. The air was clean and the meadows were blossoming. A little lake was there too, clear and blue. This was worth the pain in my butt from bouncing. We made camp and set up the hunting areas from the map. The girls was going to take the East ridge because it was not so steep. TimberWolf said that he would go with the girls to look out for them. He gave me a moose call and bottle of moose scent. Us guys took off to the West side and to the back of the mountain.
Up the side we went. The woods were getting pretty dense. We went farther up than we thought we should. TimberWolf said that there would be a sign marked zone one for our destination. William Tell said he thought that we were lost cause the terrain didn’t match the map. We came to an opening of a small meadow. There was a small pond in the meadow. The air was crisp and cold. Wind blew softly with few gust. We sat exhausted from he climb. William Tell took out the map again and laid it on the ground so we all could see.
“Are we lost?” asked Iceman.
“Well, I think we went around the other side of the mountain. I think we are in them mountain people’s area.” said Bass Bandit.
A gust of wind blew the map up into the air and it floated down softly. Softly into the water that is. Right in the middle of the pond. I floated and sailed like a boat with the breeze. Eventually it would soak up the water from the plastic covering and sink. I wasn’t thinking and started to remove my cloths to get it. I didn’t want to get my clothes wet but I forgot what I was wearing underneath. Laughter from the guys echoed in them hills.
There in stood a sheet that was folded up like a diaper and held on by medical tape that I found in the medicine cabinet. “ Ooh kiss off you guys! If that map sinks we are really lost!” I said embarrassed again. I waded into the water. “Ooh, iitttsss COLD!!” I said shaking. I retrieved the map then started to get out of the water. The wind was like ice to me being wet as I stood in the water knee deep. The diaper like sheet felt like it weighed a ton. They guys were still laughing.
“Hawg! Ha ha. You look like Baby Huey!!” Iceman pronounced.
I tossed them the map then started to leave the water. “Augh! Ooh! Ooh! Something’s got my foot! Ohh it hurts.” I yelled trying to get out of the water! I was finally on dry ground jumping up and down like I was on hot coals. A small but painful snapping turtle had bit my big toe and was still hanging on. The guys were laughing again harder and started to cough. But not as much as what happened next. The tape was wet and came loose. The sheet fell and there was Popeye staring at them in there face. They all were crying now. William Tell was gagging from laughing so hard he got sick.
The turtle was still on my toe and the guys finally stopped laughing. I was sitting between to logs. Feet and turtle hanging down over one log. My manhood was dangling ( not so much being cold) between the logs. I couldn’t get the bib overalls over the turtle and was thinking of what I was going to do. What else could go wrong I wondered and what did I do to deserve all these disasters. I was to premature.
A rattle came from between the logs I was sitting on. I slowly spread my legs and peered down into the gap between the logs. I seen a quick glimpse of a coiled snake just as it sprang up and bit my manhood. I jumped up screaming holding my manhood, “ Snake! Snake! A snake bit me on my doodle wang!”
They all came running over to me pocket knifes in hand. “Where did it get you Hawg? Bass Bandit asked.
“ I heard a rattle then I seen a snake bite my doodle wang!” I said still jumping around like a chicken with his head cut off.
The guys stared at each other for a second in silence. Then the pocket knives folded back up and they said in unison, “ You going to die Hawg!” They lowered there head and was mumbling. “I aint putting ...mouth on ......and sucking nothing out....he just gonna die!”
“Ain’t no reason to get all riled up. It was only a Little ole garter snake that was in these dried gourds.” said one of two guys standing by the logs. “Hiddy y’all. What y’all doin up here in these parts?”
“Well we were lost had our friend here,” Iceman said pointing to me still jumping around, “had some problems.”
“You mean the one jumping around there naked like he’s got fire ant in his pants and the smoking a pipe from his backside? Only he don’t got no pants does he.” said one of the mountain men. They were clad in old raged overalls and torn shoes.
The other man went over to me and told me to sit down. As I did he garbed the turtles tail and yanked on it. The turtle let go and I felt relief.
“There you go partner. Now me and Eb better be head’n home. Momma going to have supper ready in a bit. Y’all better be come’n with us. Gonna get dark soon and it gets pretty darn cold up here.” said the other man.
I put my clothes back on and examined my toe. “I think it’s broken!” I said.
“Well I guess we can go so Hawg can get looked at. Again!” Bass Bandit said sighing. “Besides I’m hungry!”
The mountain boys introduced themselves as Eb and Abby Doolywhacker. They said they was going hunting when they came across us. By the looks of their guns they had been handed down for generations. Eb had a mussle loader with a picture of Daniel Boone on the stock that looked as if it was autographed. Abby had a double barrel shot gun that was so rickety it kept falling apart when he shook it.
We took off up the mountain some more and finally came to a large old shack. The huge barn look better than the house did! As I hobbled up to house I seen an old little lady rocken on the front poarch. When I got close enough I couldn’t beleive my eyes. It was Granny8! She had a pole attatched to her chair so that when she rocked it churned the butter in the butter churn behind her. She watched us and then turned to an old fashioned black and tan coon dog that laid just off the poarch. The dog didn’t even raise an eye as we approached. It had some kind of goop all over its head. Granny took in a breath and spat tobbacco juice right betwen that ole dogs eyes. I figured out what the goop was then.