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Hawgmaster's Fishing Stories

Welcome, friend and enter the ever ongoing adventures of Hawgmaster. Hawg is an old boy from the hills of Kentucky. In an beat up old truck and a beat up aluminum boat, he travels the USA with some of his friends time to time. Every time he heads out he is sure to spend a night or two in either the hospital or the local jail.

He is married going on 20 years to a cornfed ole gal named Bonnie Sue. He has three boys that he should have named Larry, Larry and my other brother Larry. Ride along with Hawg as (at safe distance) he is bound to make you laugh and cry, mostly you cry from laughing. Meet his friends from Trophy Bass 2's online fishing game as he takes out his buds Enjoy and come back often. There is a new adventure comming.



"OZARK NIGHTMARE"

Early in the morning I awoke before daybreak. Geezz I set the clock an hour late. Hurrying and still half asleep I hooked up the boat. Running in the house I grab a lunchbox and started filling it with whatever I could grab. Out to the shed I hurried, grabed the rods, tacle box and vest. Throwing it all in the bed of the truck off off I went. Two miles down the road I remembered about the batteries that were still on the charger at the house, back I go.finaly, I'm off hurried to get to the launch.

Down the high way I fly untill the flashing lights pull me over. Out comes a JR Samples look-alike with powdered sugar from the 5 dozen donuts he ate and a half circle mark from the steering wheel rubbing his button poping stained uniform.

A graduate from a speach theropy corse, he stated "Coat dat next Two-day for 8-2mi-per-r in a 55mi-per-r zone and pearling a trailer wid-out lits. Dim dar fishes cun wat."

I interped this as (court date is next Tuesday for doing 82mph in a 55mph zone and pulling a trailer without lights and them fish can wait. Getting my ticket I whatched him waddle back to the car and watch it the drivers side lower to the ground as he jammed himself back in. Off I go again.

Pulling into the launch site I seen that the other boats were at their starting positions. There was this blue speed/fishing boat named Bass Badit with a guy in a robe smoking a pipe was waving bye to a group of bikini beach bunnies on the bank. A gold Skeeter that had a red devil with flames coming from the rear and the words "I got your money". A purple Nitro with a Dragon breathing flames. A jet black Tidecraft Bass Riger, with a 200 Black Max, driven by this guy with no shirt that had "I'll KILL YOU" tattooed on his back. Last was Ranger that had Purrina Puppy Chow stickers all over it. And then there was me with my rickety aluminum 14ft 60horse Johnson that runs on most of the plugs. The Hugh Heffnier looking guy came over to check my livewell.

Everyone was laughing at my boat, I thought. He moved his boat next to mine, laughing he pointed to me and said" In a hurry this morning were we?"looked down and seen that I forgot to put on my pants. Standing with my "Find the Hawg" boxer short I now know why the laughter. I grabed a rain bottom and covered myself, embarassed not for the shorts but the lady with the dragon boat was looking through binoculars saying "There's no Hawg there" I opened the livewell and He ask "What the heck are those?" I glanced in and forgot about my romantic last weekend with my wife. Reaching in and removing the pink panties he said "Fishing with stinkbait is a 1 lb fine." He moved away and a quick on-your-mark get set Go, the tourny began.

Off they went in each others directions. I reached in the storage compartment for the lake map. Ohh man, forgot the hot spot map on the kitchen table. Darn!! I'll just have to wing it. Hooking up the batteries I put on the vest and sat in the driver seat. Geezz, wheres the KEYS. Of course I locked them in the truck. Ok Ok dont worry I told myself I'll just have to troll. Of I go in the early morning flying down the great Ozark on speed 5 of the trolling motor. I tried to get my composier back as I watch the ducks swim past me as if I was standing still.

Something to eat, I thought. To the lunch box I went to find that I should have turned the light on when I packed it. What I thought was apples, were plums and my tea was cider. No problem, I'll get by. Down the ozark I went.

I went to the first boat dock to try my luck. Opened the rod storage and grab my trusty rod. This isn't going to be my day. I apparently grabed my sons Snoopy Zebco 202 with 4lb test line. "Don't freak out now Hawg" I told myself.

NP I'll get by. Open my tackle box only to find my wifes instead of mine. Great,lipstick, glue on nails, perfume and hot pink plastic worms( cause their so cute she said when she bought them). Now on top of everthing else I will be looking for a funny bass that likes hot pink, teriffic. I attatched the worm and made my first cast. Off it came with a snap. I removed the cover and remembered how cute my son was reeling in this reel BACKWARDS! After 30 minutes of unkotting and restringing I made another cast. Splash, the water boiled up, and the line went taunt. My heart poounded, not with excitement but dread as the plastic gears began screaching. 20 minutes I played with the fish. Finaly Could feel the fish start to slack in the fight. Up from the depths it came, gears still grinding, pole still bent but it was comming up. NO NO a 3lb CARP!!

Exaughsted, frustrated and on the verge of tears, I thought that nothing else could go wrong. It was then that I froze, Did I! Did I? I opened the back, sheeewwww At least I did put the plug in. Man!!! This is a nightmare in daylight. My stomach began to churn and make noise. Plums and cider were working. To a secluded cove I trolled. Wedged on a bank I pulled my pants down and let my big old rear hang over the front of the boat. After a few choice noises and odors I was hit on the back of the head by a flood of pine cones. I turned my head around and about fainted. There stood a troop of girl scouts with the Scout leader yelling at me. Apparently I pulled adjacent to a scout camp site when they were ready to go on a hike. I pulled up my rain suit but not before one scout corked me with a stone. (Later, when I called to appolagize, I told the Troop leader to give here a marksmen badge.) Scuring I made it out of the cove with out getting hit anymore. Now, embarrsed and in pain I thought it time to call it quits.

What? A member of TB2 quiting because of bad luck? NEVER! I moved back up river on the other side. I had a thought. I took the line from my sons Snoopy reel and began to braid it. I made it into about 10 to 15 feet of strong line. I opend the lunch box and broke off the round piece of the spoon. I glued a worm hook to it with her tuff as nails glue, colored two eyes with lipstick and sprayed it with perfume. I tied it to a line end and tied the other to my boat light pole. As I came across a group of stick ups I droped the line in the water. The spoon glitered from the sun light. A flash came up and ingulfed it. I pulled a 3lb black bass. Oh man!! It worked. The remaining hour I fished. Finaly good luck. I turned in a 23lbs of bass with a whopping 10lbder as my biggest.

Didnt win the tourny but made the top 5. A little selfpride I finaly went home with a broken window, smelly shorts, sore rear ,a 250dollar ticket and I found a letter in my mail box that said "Your invited to the Lake Eufalla Invetational"

Hawgmaster


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Take me back home.