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HAWG DOES HOOTERVILLE

I hope that these stories will make you smile. Sometimes I had to stop to get the tears out of my eyes myself. If you realy like them then please E-mail me and let me know

"Call of the Canadain Goose or Gump"

I was sitting at home in the chair that was named after me..Lazyboy. It was a hot balmy day and I was very busy. I mean with the best of Bill Dance on TNN and the bag of rubberbands in my lap that I was shooting flies with, I had the day all planned out. The phone rang. Being so busy I asked my wife,” Honey, could you get the phone dear.”

“Ohh sure and I’m not busy,” I heard her raving under her breath. She was saying, “ As if I had all the time in the world..” she faded in the next in the next room “washing.. ......... ..skidmarks.. ..too lazy to wipe...own....”. She came into the room and step in front of the TV like usual. “Here,” she through the cordless at me and turned to leave”I’ll give you the phone..I’ll cram it so far up......you’ll dial from your nose.”

I couldn’t let that go by so I yelled at her”Yes dear! I love you to dear!” I sighed relief for putting it to her. I answered the phone. There was this unusual noise coming from it. Puzzled, I listened close then realized that it was some one speaking and not a noise at all.

“Ello, and ouw are you Hawg?” said the man from the other end.

“Who is this? “ I asked and wondered what ouw dialect was.

“This is your ole buddy Gump.” he stated

“Gump?” I asked myself who the heck is Gump. The only two gumps that I could remember was Forrest Gump and the fairy Elf Gump from the movie Legend. I quickly decided on which Gump I had on the line from the tone of his voice. I said, “Look man, I don’t subscribe to any magazines about no kinda farie.!”

“No! No!”gump yelled into the phone. “I’m from the Angers Online Association club. Do you remember me from there?”

“Dang,” I replied,” I must need glasses because I thought your name was GRUMP whenever I read it. Ohh well, what did you need Grump, ohh, I mean Gump?”

“Well, I ‘m coming down from Canada and wanted to do some fishing at Euffala. I wanted to know if you wanted to go? I put all the club members names in a hat and drew.” “And you picked me. Well I don’t know what to say.” I said with pride.

“Well not really you were the last. Everyone else was too busy”

I was about to swim in self pity and tell him that I was too busy also when my wife walked in. Old colored hair curlers and a green beauty mask she looked like the Creature from the Black Lagoon. “Have you taken out the trash, mowed the lawn and fixed that darn dripping sink?” she asked in her usual tone as she carried the laundry into the next room.

I thought a minute and then said, “Ok Gump, I’m not busy.”

“ Good, I wanna try out my new boat. When and where?” he asked

“Ugh, Southeast dock at 5:00am. Ok?”

“Almighty, I’ll show you how us Canucks fish. See ya ehh!”

The next morning I awoke, packed a lunch and few drinks, making sure of what I was packing this time!. With the flash light I went to the shed and got my trusty Shimmano Combo and tackle box. This wasn’t going to be another Ozark nightmare. I threw it all in back of the truck and went back in for my coffee. I kissed the dog, patted the wife on the head and was off.

I watched my speed as not to run into Officer Donut again. Arriving at the dock I unloaded the truck and stood and the bank. I watched vehicles unload their boats and park, wondering which one might be Gump. The call of the wild overcame me as I went behind the bushes to relieve some filtered coffee. I could hear loud music coming. After a few shakes and a quick zip, I stepped out to look.

The music was Queen and it came from around the bend. A white van with a red maple leaf and the words “Gump Chocolates” on the side drove up. It pulled a red and white new Skeeter bassboat with stenciling “God Save DairyQueen”. I always thought the Queen meant a lady. Guess I was wrong.

From the estimated cost of the van and boat, I figured I finally get to fish with some class and not them low life bums I normally fish with. After all not everyone fishes with guys that unzip there bib overalls, put their rods in their fly holding it with there crotch and thigh while they eat Kentucky round stake (Oscar Myer balogna) with one hand and drinking Billy Beer in the other. Conversations between farting, belching and an occasional throat clearing hock , was “ Wadda ya know” responded by the usual reply “Nutten”

The van windows were tinted so much I couldn’t see in. Then the door swung open. Finally some one with intelligence I thought. I about had a heart attack from what I saw. This dude jumps out and stood before me. He was wearing a Donald Duck cap with a huge yellow bill. He had a big pair of Elton John sunglasses with the stars and the works. His shirt was a Maple Leaf hockey jersey. He wore red bike racing skin tight shorts that came to the knees. His shoes were black goulashes with Power Range emblems on them. He had a twinky in one hand a Yahoo in the other. His whole body reminded me of PeeWee Herman and I for one was glad that we were not at a theater.

Geeezz, I thought I left the nightmare on the banks of the Ozark, but someone help me, it followed me here. When I thought nothing else could shock me he spoke. “ Nice day . Ehh?” His voice was mono toned and reminded me of that guy on the Nickelodeon Channel. I was waiting for him to say “Welcome to Mister Goodburger. Home of the Good Burger, can I take your order?”

I stuttered “GGGuump?”

He walked over and grabbed me. Gump moved over and kissed one check of mine then the other as I stood frozen with shock. I was right this was the gump from Legend! I just hoped that kissing my check was all that he wanted to do cause I was frozen with fear and shock so much that I would be free game.

He stepped back “You ok Hawg? You look like one of them little rascal boys with your eyes open so wide. Never had a French welcome, Ehh? “

I felt like my body was full of Novocain. I tried to move my legs but there was a long delay for them to even twitch. I tried to speak but all that came out was UHH HUUHH.

“Well ole buddy let me get the boat in the water and lets get started.” he said as he jumped back into the van. He backed the boat in, unhitched then pulled in the parking area.

Movement finally came as I stepped back and drew my fist. Great about a five minute delay in motor skills. Getting my composure, got my gear. Gump was waiting in the boat getting the motor warm. Instead of an outboard, Gump had an inboard motor. The hole rear end looked as if it was about to sink.

I entered the boat reluctantly. “ Gump, you try to kiss me again and French or no French tradition and I will, in the immortal words of Ed, ‘I’ll kill you’”

“Okay, okay! Your so sensitive aren’t you? “ he said, “Well where do you want to go?”

“It doesn’t matter Gump, you just go where ever!” I exclaimed wishing this day was over too.

Gump pulled out a map of the lake and said “William Tell sent me this. He said he marked all the hot spots but it could’ve been better if the f4 key worked. What ever that means.” He started the motor and buckled a seat belt he had built in his seat.

I donned the vest and was wondering why the seat belt as he pulled out of the dock. We were off. County boy and this Canadian with his yellow bill flapping from his hat, wind whistling from his Elton John glasses, flying down the banks of Effalla. His Skeeter was very nice. It was only at half speed and was doubling my aluminum tub of a boat. We pulled into a cove and got out the gear. I grabbed my $40.00 Shimanno rod and reel. Gump took out a black case and removed a combination rod and reel that was worth about $500.00. He was fishing what took me 2 weeks to earn. Baited and anxious we began. Gump sat in his captains chair and drew back his 9ft rod. The double jointed large Repala lure swung back and Gump let it rip and rip it did. A sharp pain came across me as the end Rapala hooked my fat ole ear and swung around imbedding itself on mylarge honker of a nose.

“YEEOOOOWWW!!!” I yelled.” What the %#&& are you doing? Where did you learn to fish? “

“Well up north we generally troll for biggins, But have to admit, your the biggest I’ve ever caught. Wait until I tell the gang that I caught a Hawg.” said Gump smiling.

In much much pain I said “ Get me to a doctor you Canadian goose!!”

Gump reaped up the motor and took off full speed. I then knew what the seat belt was for. I was flopping around the boat with nothing to hold on to but a lure dangling on my face. Gump was speeding down the bank side and as I was being pitched around I seen him waving to the bank at a group of girls that were topless showing flashing their big hooters at him. I was too busy tolook at them. Instead I was looking up ahead at a row of gradually sloping stickups to the right.

“ Gump!!: I yelled. But the roar of the motor was too loud for him to hear me. Then I seen it. A large log was just below the surface. The front of the boat sailed over it but the back of the boat caught the log by the motor and raising it . Out of the boat I went sailing into the air as I gave a yell that was similar to Disney’s Goofy. All that I could remember is rolling into the air about 60mph, tumbling in a ball. The last thing I saw was my pants zipper about 10 inches from my eyes.

I awoke in the hospital two days later. Sprain back, broken arm, a concussion and stitches in the ear and nose. Flowers and get well cards were al around me from the club members. Gump went back to Canada (now I really know why they say ‘God save the Queen’ with a Gump living there). My wife came in and asked how I was doing. I told her that I was better. She said “ I was so worried! I was worried about who was going to fix the house and mow the yard! You gallivanting around with your bum fishing friends and another thing.....”

I turned up the medication and drifted off to dream world as I was catching them big Bass. Hawgmaster

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