"Beans and Earrings"
This year has been the worst fishing season in my entire life. To get you up to date, so far : At the Ozarks , I have been issued a traffic fine from Officer "Donut" for $250.00, locked my keys in the truck at the dock so I had to break a window to get in, fined fish weight because of the panties left in my live well, humiliated because I forgot my pants and was wearing my "Find the Hag boxer shorts", passed by swimming ducks cause of my junky trolling motor, grabbed the wrong rod and reel that left me fishing with my youngest sons Snoopy Zebco 202, wrong tackle box that left me with the ole lady's glue on nails and hot pink plastic worms, case of severe dyhereia from plums and cider and a corked rear end from pine cones thrown by a girl scout troop. At Euffala, I was paralyzed from Gump when he gave me the French cheek to cheek welcome , hooked my ear and nose with a Rapala lure and been catapulted from Gump's inboard Skeeter bass boat leaving me with a broken up body.
Its been three weeks since my excursion with Gump. I have been cooped up in the house. Fishing has been on my mind every day. I'm ready for the water again. Especially after Gump hooking me with a lure tearing a hole in my ear and nose.
My wife thought it would be funny while I sleep to put an old pair of ear rings in the holes. It might of been funny to her, but the clasp was broke and with her women ingenuity she ran the giant looped ear rings through my nose and ear and fixed the clamp with super clue.
I awoke to find dangling from my face gold, large ear rings with a rose on the bottom of each. I looked like a pirate but the rose made me look like a Pirates of Pazan. I knew a little nail polish remover would work. It didn't! I asked her what she used.
She said super clue as she handed me the tube.. I almost crapped my pants. The tube said super all right. I read SUPER STRENGTH LIQUID WELD.!!.
Oh no! I limped into the tool shed to get the wire cutters.. Not a dent did it make . What the heck was this stuff made of? I yelled at her to go get the package the came in. She stormed out of the house mad as a wet hen for me yelling at her.
When she got to me all she could do was laugh. I grabbed the package and almost fainted when I read it. A note said " These ear rings are made of titanium steel with 14kt gold covering for prevention of infection." Great, I thought, can't cut them off with anything that I got.
At that moment I found out why living smack dab in the city had draw backs. Who should be driving down the block and see me? Yep, you guessed it, Officer "Donut"! He stopped, put the Dodge patrol car in reverse, peeled back and entered my drive way. Out came ever so slowly. Like a whale in a sardine can he a packed in. He adjusted his Smoky Bear hat, tugged up his pants and belt and waddled across the yard while he twirled a toothpick in his mouth with his tongue.
I wondered, "Now what does this idiot want?"
Then it hit me as a cool breeze sweep by me. I was standing in my front yard, in the center of town, at 6:00 in the morning with nothing on but a pair Haines underwear and a pair of socks with a pink tint to them ( my one and only time I did the wash I put my whites in with a red shirt.). Here I stood in front of this policemen, no shirt or pants, pink underwear, pink socks, bare, hairy ,rose tattooed chest that said "Al Loves Bonnie". Over lapping gut, bald head, full beard with two large loop rose earrings dangling from my face, caring wire cutters in one hand and an earring case in the other. All I could do was stand there and wait for him to speak.
Officer " Donut" waddled up to me. He crossed his arms over his huge stomach and peered at me through them mirrored glasses as he cocked his head stared saying nothing.
If this wasn't enough my wife thought it was time to get revengeful for me yelling at her.
I just stood there looking at him and watching my wife slowly side step behind him and to the left a little. Donut still didn't say anything. I could feel my face getting flush.
Then she did it. Out of the view of officer "Donut" she threw open her robe behind him in my clear view. Knowing that I love her sexy body. I looked away when Donut finally spoke.
"Well, what do we have here? Ya'all always stand bare butt in da city?" he asked. Donut tipped his head down and peered over the glasses, " What da heck have you got on your face? Boy, either ya two cards shy of a full deck or you got a little sugar in the ole tank?" Donut chuckled , "Which is it sweetpea?"
The wind blew cold air and my skin had goose bumps. Officer "Donut" looked and laughed "Does a big ole man in uniform get to ya cup cake?"
The cold air made my jock itch irritable. I was gritting my teeth trying not indulge my urge to scratch.
My wife seized the opportunity again. She opened her robe again and moved her pelvis around while Donut waited for and answer and was looking down at me.
My underwear began to get tighter or something else was happening. I tried to speak but the dryness of my mouth made my voice crack at a higher pitch. "Ohh, heck with it!" I said as I dug my finger nails to the sides of my crotch.
Donut jumped back and yelled, " What the heck are you doing boy? You in a heapa trouble now boy!"
The next day I sat on a bunk, wrapped up in a blanket compliments of the county jail. The jailer came by and said your bail is posted. You can go now sugar lips. I stepped into the lobby and seen my brother-in-law, Red Devil. Red stared at me and said, " Hawg, what do you got on your nose and ear?"
"Long story," I said , "but let me just say. YOUR SISTER!!"
" 'Nuff said! " Red Devil exclaimed. " She sent me to get you. She said for me to take you fishing to cool off. She and mom went somewhere for a couple of days. Are you ready?"
I just nodded to embarrassed to speak and tired. Who could sleep with some dude named Butch in the next cell keep calling out "PEACHES, OHH PEACHES!!", all night. I got my stuff and off we went. On the way out Red asked " Wanna stop by the Fire department and get that thing off your nose hehe?" I just kept walking out to Red's van.
In the van I took of the blanket and put on some clothes Red had for me. Red opened the glove box and handed me a roll of electrical tape. "Put this on your earring roses. So where are we going? Fishing or to the Police Academy's Blue Oyster Bar?" Red laughed so hard it made him almost sick.
Me, I wasn't laughing. " Just go to a lake. Any lake! You smart a--! Make it far from here." I replied as I wrapped the tape around the earrings. I leaned back and went to sleep. I awoke to find that Red had stopped at a road side place. I read a sign that said "Buck's Gator Farm" and "Best pecan pie in Georgia". Georgia! What the heck are we doing in Georgia.
Red came back to the van carrying a case of something and a sack. " You finally awoke huh?" he asked
"Red, what are we doing in Georgia? " I asked in return.
"Well, you said to go far away so I thought Lake Lanier would be good. I was talking to Buck, the guy that owns this place, and he said the gator park goes back about three miles. He said that for $20.00 we could fish here.. There is supposed to be big bass in it and a monster bass called 'Lerch' " Red said.
I looked at Red with amazement and said" You got my earring toting butt out of jail to go fishing at a Georgia gator farm? Red its all swamp back there.!" I told him.
"Well, if you wanna stay in the van, go ahead." said Red. "But I'm going for Lerch. You wanted to go fishing far away from home so here we are. I got us some dinner. Here!" Red passed a can from the case that he was caring. It was a case of pork and beans.
"Ok! Ok!" I said looking at the case "Beans? Why the heck did you get beans for?"
"Buck bought them off a truck that broke down. Sold me a case for $2.00. " Red said as he opened a can with an army p38 can opener. Red almost inhaled the entire can. He finished it and was opening another.
"Red I'm not eating no dang can of beans. What else you got?" I asked hungry.
"Well," Red said with his mouth full of beans, " I got ugh plums, cider and a couple of chocolate Yahoos" With that Red opened yet another can of beans and pulled out something white in a plastic sandwich bag. "And these are for dessert."
I looked and saw a bag of pickled eggs. " Give me my wallet so I can get some real food! " I demanded. I wasn't going to touch them plums or cider and them eggs looked like they were moving by themselves.
"Well," Red said smacking his lips and pausing before talking, " Sis didn't give me your wallet. If you are so hungry then you better start eating what I bought and stop complaining about what you can't have. 'Cause if you think I'm going to go buy you something special" Red poured the third can in his mouth and continued with his mouth full spitting beans as he talked, " you must be crazy and can just starve."
I reluctantly opened a can of beans and tried them. Got them from a broken-down truck all right. Tasted like the truck broke down in 1950. Stale as could be. I tried to swallow the nasty beans with out getting sick but I saw Red begin eating the vinegar smelling eggs. Down to my knees I went feeling my guts come through my throat. Red was popping them eggs like a kid eating giant marshmallows.
I conceded in fishing with Red in the swamp if he would get me a coke and a couple of candy bars. He kept his word but wouldn't give them to me only after we were loaded up and entered the swamp. We went back into the swap turning this way and that way until we were good and lost. The last time I saw the farm was about 15 minutes ago. The area did look promising though. I seen two and three pounders by the scores. We stopped in a cove and Red unlocked his tackle box and removed a wooden box carved with bass. He unlocked the wooden box and I could only see that what ever was in it was on crushed velvet.
Belly full of candy bars I asked Red, " What do you got there Red?"
"Secret, Red Devil special." Red whispered. Red pulled out the most ugliest spinner bait that I ever saw. It had about every color that was imaginable. The top bar was super extended and had three sets of Colorado blades, one behind the other. It looked like giant coat hanger. Red tide the spinner on with care trimming the knot.
I looked at Red and said, "Geezz Louise Red, What you do, put about five spinners together for that, thing?"
Red settled up front of the John Boat and hurled the first cast. It sailed behind a stump and landed. KERPLUNK!! The water sounded like a brick hit the water. I kept laughing at Red for using this ugly contraption.
Red made to cranks and the water boiled next to the stump. Red was pulled forward in the boat, struggling to hold onto the rod. A blast of water sprang from behind the stump as a ten pound bass exploded in the air. Red heaved back and the boat surged forward.
My mouth was a haven for flies as my lower jaw dropped to bottom of the boat. Red reeled and the gears were grinding and smoking the boat was powered by a ten pound bass. Red was making it go even faster. Them beans had set in. He would pull, lean forward while reeling then fart. I began to laugh so hard my guts were hurting . Then as the boat moved forward I got a whiff. My guts still hurt but from hurling instead of laughing. Them beans and eggs put a stench in Red that made the blue paint on the boat start to peel.
I had drifted in and out of contious from Red's farts. Fifteen minutes later Red had got that sucker in the boat. Bright eyes and bushy tailed he was as proud as could be. Smiling and still farting he came over to me. " You all right Hawg" he asked.
"I would be if you would stop farting!" I said as I came to again. I pulled out two cigarettes and broke the filters off sticking them up my nose. The smell still came through but not as bad. I was able to function again.
Red opened the homemade livewell and put his bass in. "Come on buddy, we came here for you to fish. Get with it!" I pulled myself up from the bottom of the boat and got my composer back.
We fished for about an hours pulling in one to three pounders left and right. Red was still farting and was getting good at making them sound like songs. He played Dixe a few time not missing a beat or rather a fart. A huge wave came under over hanging trees up ahead. I was so nervous I over shot the area and my lure wedged itself in a cypress tree. I tried to get it out but couldn't. I pulled us under the tree and pulled my rod. The tree limbs shook violently and I yanked and yanked. The line wouldn't break as it was a beta type fishing line I was using. Seventeen pound test that was strong as seventy-five pound test.
The next pull shook the tree a little to hard for my taste as the lure came down but also a four foot cottonmouth water moccasin. It landed next to my feet as they were leaving the boat. I leaped out of the boat powered by fear and a steady stream of pee and screaming
"AAAGGGHHHH!. I had leaped and landed on a log outside of the boat. Only it wasn't a log. I landed on a twelve foot gator. The gator reared back and snapped at me but missed as the huge jaws clamped shut. All I could do was to hang on. I wrapped my arms around its snout as and bear hugged it for dear life. The gator began spinning round and round. It felt like something was pressing me tighter and tighter with every spin.
There was something! I still had my rod in my hand and with every spin the line wrapped me tighter to the gator. I had a flash back to the movie Moby Dick as Captain Ahab was tangled in the harpoon rope on the white whale. My head spun out of the water as I took a breath and I could see Red standing up with an oar in his hand. Back down spinning I went.. I knew Red was going to club this gator.
Only Red's aim was as usual. OFF! I felt a sharp pain right between the shoulder blades as Red crack me inn the back. Knocking the air out of me I was blacking out when the gator and me rolling caught the side of the boat. Almost knocking Red in the water and capsizing the boat, the gator and I rolled into it. The gator stopped rolling but was belly up on top of me. Red began whaling the oar on the gator. With every blow my head was bash to the bottom the boat. I saw stars and then nothing.
I awoke in a hospital again with Red asking "Hawg, Hawg! You all right bud. I thought that was ignorant like not looking at the home page.
" What do you think you idiot?" I asked "Am all here?"
"Yea, but they had a time getting the filters from your nose and throat. Wonder what made that gator roll into the boat?"
" Probably them farts you were letting? It thought something was dead in the boat! "I exclaimed, "Where's the gator Red?"
"It's at home with another surprize." Red said.
At the house my wife gave me a cold glass of lemonade, fluffed my pillow, turned the channel on TV and asked if there was anything else that she could do for me. I reclined back in the chair. Propped my feet up on the stuffed gator and stared at "ole Lerch" mounted on the wall. A fifteen pound bass that was found in the gators belly that he just ate before he tried to get me. What next I thought, this is getting more like a war.
Ed the Mercenary: Ever heard
of bar room football? Hawg wished he didn't!