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Ed the Mercenary

I hobbled over to the refrigerator and pulled out a beer. I glanced down to a can of Shlitz in my hand. "What in tarnation is this?" I yelled. As I raised up I seen a horrible site on the other side of the refrigerator door.

A green creature with evil looking eyes and Medusa looking hair was peering at me. I expected fire to shoot forth and roast me alive. Instead it spoke in a shrieking voice, "What's what?"

My heart was skipping beat like a popcorn. My knees buckled as I caught myself on the frig door. "Geezz, Bonnie Sue," I gasped to get a breath, "What you got on your face?" Before she could answer I continued, "I gotta stop watching them darn Godzilla movies if you keep putting that crap on your face? I about soaked my pants and had a stroke!"

Bonnie Sue asked, " You want little ole me to look nice doncha?"

"Well, I guess it does make you look better. At least I can't see your mustache now!" I chuckled.

"Okay smart butt, so what did you want?" She replied as her eyes filled with fire.

"I wanted to know where is the Budweiser and why you bought this junk." I asked.

"Well I'm protesting Budweiser."

"Protesting? Protesting what, good tasting Bud or this other stuff that's found next the Ex-Lax at the pharmacy?" I said as I looked down and the Shlitz can.

" I'm still teed off at them lizards electrocuting them sweet frogs." Bonnie Sue said with sincerity. " Besides, I read that drinking Bud was fattening."

"Fattening? Fattening!! What the sam hell did you eat last night?" I watched her get flustered and refuse to answer. " Need some help on remembering? I'll tell you what you had! You wolfed down two Double Whoppers, super sized fries, onion rings and then a Dairy Queen banana split like a starving dog. That's what you ate last night!"

Bonnie Sue's head lowered and I couldn't help to put the knife in and twist the situation some more as rare as this opportunity came. "Ohhh! That's right, you did counter it with the three extra large refills of diet coke!!" I was gloating at this rare occasion to have her in my palm and make her look down with shame.

Only when she had lowered her head it wasn't for shame. It was to find her target on the refrigerator door. She raised up a leg and kicked the center of the door. The door forcibly slammed shut on my hand holding the beer. I let loose a scream that would have made Alfred Hitchcock proud. Suds shot up directly into my face. The door recoiled off my hand and flew back. I bent over holding my squished fingers. As the door went back Bonnie Sue was waiting like a field goal kicker timing the kick. She booted the door again and here it came again, sandwiching my head between the door and the frig. Before darkness took hold of me I heard her impersonate Steve Erckle and say " Did I do that?"

I awoke on the floor by the couch. When I opened my eyes I saw a green creature again. I tried to get up fast but my head was splitting and spinning. I fell back crawling up the couch. I sighed when I realized what this green creature was. It was the stuffed gator that attacked me with Red. Bonnie Sue had a fit when I brought it back home along with a mounted fifteen pound Georgia legend bass named "Old Lerch". She wanted to know where I was going to put that gator. I sat it down on the living room and tossed out the old coffee table. With it's mouth opened I put in a bag of chips, placed my drink on top of it's snout and propped my feet up on the gaiters back.

Bonnie Sue must have dragged me to the couch but couldn't get me up or she deliberately put me infront of the gator. More I thought about it the later of the two was most likely. She wasn't home though. It was time for her to report to the court house for community service. When I was put in jail by officer "Donut" for indecent exposure, she told the judge what happened. After the judge heard what she did to me. He looked at me still with them rose looped earrings in my nose and ear. He told me time served and gave Bonnie Sue one hundred hours of community service cleaning the state park out houses and porta potty.

I heard a knock on the door and went to answer it. I opened the door to three of the largest men I know. In bib overalls they looked like the heaviest twins on Guineas Book of World Records that rode mini-bikes only there was three of these guys. They were the bubba brothers, there was Bubba Frank, Bubba Ben and Bubba Cud.

"Howdy Hawg, hare tell you'ns wuz wrestlen gators in them thar Georgia critter farms along the highway." said Bubba Frank as squeezed through the doorway.

" I's hare tell you wuz womped by Bonnie Sue's brother Red." Bubba Ben added as he squeezed through the door also.

Bubba Cud started to come in but stooped short of the door. He look at me and said, " Gawd darn, if I aint a monkey uncle. You'all do have an earring in your nose and ear Hawg. And, and da are roses. Well, dimdar boys at Rutabaga's Cafe' said you had some sugar in ya tank but I aint believing them. Now that I see's ya I's not so sure now Hawg"

I could feel my face turn red with embarrassment and anger. I came up belly to belly with Bubba Cud and looked at him in the eyes. I said, " You make another remark like that and I'll tell the town why your daddy called you Bubba Cud!"

He stood there for a moment and I could see the wonder in his eyes. "What you know about it Hawg? Only my family knows that!" Bubba Cud said shaking.

"I over heard your daddy tell my daddy about the first time your daddy made out. He said that her and him were alone down by you grandpa's pond. You daddy said that it was romantic and that they were playing in the water when they did it. He said her momma came over the hill and caught them. You daddy said that her momma didn't say anything and just kept grazing." I confronted Bubba Cud, "You was named after your daddy's first love. Betsy, your old milk cow!" Bubba Cud's face turned white as he knew that story was true. When Bubba Cud was born his daddy was drunk and told the nurse that your name was Bubba Cud."

" Okay Hawg, I won't say a word. I promise and you better too!" Bubba Cud said in a low tone like a boy getting caught stealing candy.

" Promise." I answered. " You say everyone was talking about it"

Ben started to laugh, "Yeah and Officer "Donut" said he caught you in your underwear out side and you gave him a no hands salute. If ya knows wadda mean."

Frank asked " Hawg, why don't you take them earrings off?

"I can't," I said, "Bonnie Sue put liquid weld on them and their titanium steel. I tried to get them off but I don't have the tools to get them off. I was going to ole Codgers to use his bolt cutters but now I'm not going into town after hearing this." I then asked, "What was you boys needing anyway?"

Cud said, " We haulin our entire load of watymelons to Californy. we heard ya tellin 'bout a friend of yours that lives over dar and want to know if ya wanna come along."

I thought about who he was talking about then it came to me. Ed, it was Ed in Oakland Ca.

Frank asked, " Hawg could you call your friend and ask him if we could stay a couple days?"

I picked up the phone and asked Ben when we was going. Ben said that they wasn't in a hurry and probably would leave until an hour or two. A familiar voice came over the phone when Ed answered.

"Hawg, is that you punk? You made my day!" Ed said in that Clint Eastwood tone. Ed always like to imitate them ruff and tuff movie stars. His favorites were Clint and John Wayne, but he did more.

I told Ed what our plans were and Ed agreed to put us up for the trip only if we go fish while we're there. I took out piece of paper and thought what I was going to tell Bonnie Sue. Frank helped me when he asked, "Hawg, why are your ears swollen and hand bleeden bud?" That helped me to start the letter. Dear wench,.......

Bags packed and gear stored I sat on the front porch and waited for the Bubba brothers. Here they came. A Mack truck pulled up with a trailer loaded up with watermelons. The truck had an extra large sleeper cab. I put my gear up and off we went. Cud and Ben started picking "On the road again" on their banjo's as the mile markers went whizzing by.

Just outside of Oakland we stopped at a road side trucker's bar and grill. The Bubba brothers ate four hamburgers and five bags of chips each. The bar and grill must have been a biker bar because it was wall to wall with leather jacket, chain Totten, full bearded ZigZag looking characters. Two of them were watching the Bubbas eat. They came over to the table and stood for a minute. I guessed that the big guy with the beard was their leader. When he came over every head was turned to watch the biker leader and his right hand crony. I had that feeling that trouble was brewing in here.

The leader finally spoke, " You three big boys look like three pigs eating. Is that who you are, the three little pigs?"

The Bubbas kept on licking the empty chip bags. Cud began to laugh hard and uncontrollably. I knew that a fight was coming so I started counting the odds and who I could take on. Eighteen to four and I spotted my victim, the barmaid. At least I thought until she was until she lifted the tray of drinks. She had biceps the size of my thighs. I knew the Bubbas were the strongest guys in our county, but I didn't know if they could take on this group. I did know that I was about to be beat to death.

The leader looked at Cud and asked, " What's so funny porky?"

"You remind me of a famous County Western song!" Cud said standing up to face the leader.

As Cud stood up the leader scooted back a little as he saw the size of him. All of the Bubbas looked obesity but their limbs looked like oak trees. The remaining bikers came over and surrounded the table but also stood a distance from Cud. I was scared to death but caught myself chuckling a little for what them bikers didn't know was that out of the three Cud was the weakest.

The leader finally replied to Cud's song relation, "What song then?"

Ben and Frank never took notice of what was going and concentrating on what food was left on the table until now. Ben quickly asked " Ugh, Rubber Ducky?" as he poured hot sauce on a breadstick.

Frank interjected, " A Boy Named Sue?" as he was unscrewing the pepper shaker and sprinkling a little on the empty chip bag and began licking the bag again.

Cud looked the leader in the eyes and said, "Nope, it's Cow Patty!"

The leader reluctantly took a step forward and looked at his men. Then he said to Cud's face, " Bet you think that's funny don't you pig?"

Cud moved right up to the leader and replied, "Since you like animals so much I got another question for ya. What animal loves rock and has two curved horns?"

"Don't know, what is it?" replied the leader.

Cud said, "A ram!" Then he raised his hand like lightning and grabbed the leaders beard and pulled it. Cud head butted him square on the head. The leader landed flat on his butt and was out cold. Ben slung the hot sauce into the crowd and they were jumping and screaming. Frank did the same on the other side with the pepper as they both stood up sending the table flying into others. The one standing before me had missed getting hit but was stunned for a moment of what was happening. I remembered how I was knocked out earlier and looked for my ball to kick. Like a birthday present the stunned biker had two of them right in front of me. I raised by foot hard. It was a field goal. The biker bent over and I kicked him again in the chest. He went sailing back but not before he grabbed my nose earring. Out of the chair I went screaming, " wooeee!" The biker landed on his back followed by my knee in his groin. His eyes went wide then closed with pain and he couldn't breath. The brother began tossing bikers left and right into the ones yelling and screaming from pepper and hot sauce in their eyes. Ben the strongest kept bringing a fist down on top of their heads and there feet would go out from under them.

One biker slung a tow chain and popped Frank across the face with it. Frank's head was all that moved. Frank looked at the bike and said " Man, that thar stung." The biker took off running as Frank picked up a chair and hurled it at him. As the biker reached the door so did the chair at the biker. The chair hit between the biker's shoulder blades as he pulled the door open hitting himself. The only ones left standing were the Bubba brothers. I quickly got up and pointed at the biker I landed on and said, " That will teach you guys to mess with us." I looked at the brothers to see if they thought I did more than to rack one but they didn't seem to care. On the way out the brothers began belching and farting out the door. I was thinking if Red was here on bean night he could have laid them out and never lift a hand, just a leg.

Up into the truck we went. On our way I thought. Wrong, Cud wasn't having any of that. He revved up the truck and you guessed it. He ran over most of the bikers Harleys. Cud laughed as he said, "American made, Mack Truck laid." Then we were off again finally. Down the highway we went. The Bubba Boys didn't say a word about the fight it was like nothing ever happened. I sat thinking that this was the first time this year I could go fishing and feel safe. Boy, was I wrong.

Cud pulled over to the side of the road. Their stomachs were cramping and I wasn't going to argue. The three of them took out a long bag and off into the woods they went. If you have ever seen one of them movies where there was a forest fire and the animals came running out, this was it. Deer, squirrels and even skunks came scurrying out. Back they came. As we were getting back in a sound engines could be heard. It was them bikers or rather what was left of them that had functional bikes. Ben told me to get in the trailer with him. We were moving down the road fast but them bikers were catching up. As they were on our tailgate Frank and I arose up from the back. There was six bikes with two riders each. The first bike came up on our tail and the passenger brought up a shotgun. He took aim and was ready to fire when Frank yelled at him, " Hey boy, looky har wudt I's got fer ya!"

Frank was holding a watermelon over his head. He let her fly as it sailed in the air. (Kerplunk!) That melon landed right on that dudes' Viking horns. The biker rolled off the bike grabbing a hand full of hair of the driver and the other hand was waving the shotgun. They both rolled off to the road. (Boom!) That shotgun went off and took out two more of them motorcycles front tires. Like in the movies the others ran over top of them. Bikers and motorcycles were sprawled out on the highway. I looked up front to see if Cud was going to stop, but he just slowed down. The CB light on the antenna was flashing. Frank said, "Watch this Hawg!" I turned back to the road and heard a semitrucks horn blow. Them bikers scurried off the road just as an eighteen wheeler crushed them motorcycles. The truck pulled along side of us as we were traveling down the highway. The truck was caring a shipment of Purina Puppy Chow from the looks it. Why it was old TimeberWolf and that mutt/boxer dog of his "Puddenhead". TW gave the thumbs up sign and tooted his horn. Then up the highway he went, loosing site of his truck.

Now that was timing, I thought, as I watched old TW move out of site. Frank laid back on them melons breaking a few. "Aghh, should be smooth sailing from har on out, dar Hawg." Frank said.

" Don't this bother you guys Frank?" I asked.

"Naw, Hawg, dis stuff makes life iner'esting. We look fo'wad to's it. Does it bodda you's, Hawg?" Frank asked.

"Well," I stooped to think, then seen the bag that they carried in the woods ontop of the melons, "Frank, what's in the bag?"

Frank looked at the bag then laughed, " You's mean dis ole' bag Hawg?" grabbing and opening it. "Well dis har has de the big people numba one tool to live with. Look at me Hawg and wonder what us ole' big people can't do likes you's regular people's."

I never really thought about. I looked at the huge size of his belly and the short length of his arms. "Well, I ugh ugh guess having se..." I stopped when it came to me, " Wiping your butt!" Like it a pile of bricks it hit me as I continued with an old mysterious question. " How can you guys wipe your butt when you can bearly reach your button on your pants? Your belly is to big for your arms to go there!"

Frank laughed and pulled out the answer. It was a long back scratcher with toilet paper wrapped around the little hand on the end. We sat back and laughed as we went entered Oakland, Ca. city limits.

We reached the market warehouse and unloaded the truck. To the other outskirts side of the city we went. We reached Ed's place. I gasped at the site that was before me. A two story house was painted camouflage and the fence was out of concertina wire. A sign adorned Ed's house that said, " Waco My Ass! You will need the Army also!" Ed came out to meet us.

Wearing black fatigue pants, T-shirt and berate, Ed kept zig zaging his side walk until he got to us. " Howdy Hawg, you guys have a nice trip?" Ed said. Tattoos covered his body and the most visible one went from shoulder to wrist that said " I'll kill you". Ed motioned us too hush and pointed to a cat that slipped through the wire chasing a bird. We watched as the cat almost got the bird on the side walk. As it the cat caught the bird and landed on the sidewalk (Boom) an explosion went off. The cat and bird were gone! Ed laughed, " Them new land mines really work, don't they. Yep" Ed continued, " I thought I saw a putty cat!"

The boys were applauding as saying that this was going to be intresting. Me , on the other hand, could feel that trouble was about to hit again.

"You ready for some fishing guys?" Ed asked. "The boat is ready but I don't think it will hold you three brothers. We will find some thing for you boys there. " Ed said

We left Ed's, the boys took the truck and I rode in Ed's Hummer. Ed was pulling his large boat. I couldn't see what kind of boat it was. What ever kind it was, had height and width.

We reached the Northeast boat dock of lake Castilic finally. After driving all night and a few hours rest we were ready. Ed backed the boat in the water with the cover still on it. He removed the cover to unveil a speed boat of some type, black as night. The boys were in the little cantina eating a hearty breakfast of all you can eat buffet. I knew that they would be closing down after a while from lack of food. The boys said for us to go on and they would catch up to us.

After eating Ed and I went out on his boat. He took us out up the left side of the lake. I looked at Ed's depth gauge when we stopped. Sixty six feet was the reading when I asked Ed, "Bud we fishing bass aren't we?"

"Yep, you better believe it pilgrim!" he replied in his John Wayne imitation. He was towards the front of the boat messing with a wooden box.

"Well, Ed why are we so deep for? Unless you plan on jigging off the boat, we aren't going to be able to bring them up." I said.

"Bringing them big ones up we will." Ed said. He opened the box and pulled out a strange devise. It looked like it had a gun handle, a long thin grooved piece of metal going out the end about four foot and a large spool at the end with wire instead of string.

"What the heck is that, Ed?" I asked puzzled.

" Guns and Ammo's new survival fishing rod and reel." Ed replied as he took something else out of the wooden box. I saw a cylinder object that lmust have been heavy the way Ed was holding it. He pulled out a plastic looking minnow head and then a tail. He put one on each end of the cylinder and squeezed it to gather. I thought it must be a weight and the finished product did look like a minnow. He removed a small cylinder object I thought was a new rattling tube. He tied the wire to one end then pushed the other end into the minnows mouth. I heard a snap then he laid the whole thing on the funny looking rod.

" Ed, what you going to do with that thing?" I asked worried, " That thing doesn't even have a handle to reel it back in."

Like the scientist in the movie ' Back to the Future' Ed grabbed his sunglasses and mimicked " Reeling? Where we are going there is no reeling!" He put a cartridge in the handle and pulled a handle back. Ed pointed thing past the front of the boat in a high arch and pulled the trigger. (BANG!) The minnow shot out along the metal grove and the wire reel was singing. (Splash!) The minnow hit the water and was sinking fast. Ed just stood there watching the wire still moving out. Then it stopped. Ed smiled at me then looked back at the water again. Ed flipped up a handle on the thing and flipped down a switch as he said "FIRE IN THE HOLE!!"

The water exploded like a depth charge from a battleship. It was a close guess too. The minnow was c-4 wrapped around a weight. The little cylinder was a blasting cap. I was shocked at what I saw. I was also temporarily deaf too. Then I saw them five to ten pound bass, catfish and other species came popping to the surface. We reached over the boat and began pulling in the biggins. I scooped up a seventeen pound monster. Man this was excting. It was until I heard a strange pitched noise. I looked up and comming at us was a boat with a flashing light. A voice came over a bull horn, " This is the State Police, put your hands over your head and prepare to be boarded!"

Ed turned around bent over and grabbed a microphone. Showing his behind to the approaching boat, Ed said through the boat speakers, " You dirty rat! You wanta board something then bord this, see!" Ed sat down in the boat and said, "Time to go Hawg!"

The boat started and we headed back. I thought Ed was slowing down a little. Then the police began shooting at us. Bullets went whizzing by and hitting the water around us. A warm tropical stream was running down my pants. Ed was laughing as he flipped another switch but it was on the steering column this time. Ed was humming the theme to James Bond. The rear panels of the boat raised producing two wicked looking harpoons. One fired and hit the chassing boat. Another fired and skipped the water hitting the police boat underneath. A pop noise could be heard as I seen the police boat begin to sink. The harpoons made holes in their boat and they were taking in water. The officers jumped in water. Ed flipped another switch and the boat raised out of the water on hydrofoils. We were going so fast that my earrings were whistleing and my checks were opening wide over my teeth catching every bug on the lake. We seen a party bardge and it too looked like it was sinking. As we came closer I seen these three huge guys. A drink in one hand, a sandwich in the other and a fishing pole stuck in the fly opening in their bib overalls. It couldn't be anyone other than the Bubba Boys.

We came over to their rented boat. I gagged and spit up bugs that flew in my mouth. I told them what happened and showed them the big bass that I had. Ed told them to meet us back at his place do we could lay low for a while. The boys agreed and we took off again. Ed loaded the boat as I entered the store to get a drink to go with the bugs I ate. In the store I heard on the scanner that the law was looking for us. I climbed in the hummer and told Ed. Ed took off and went through the back way of the park coming out the otherside.

We made it back at Ed's house and waited for the Bubba Boys to come back. They finally came and Ed suggested that we go into the town of San Fransico to hide and eat. We jumped into the boys truck and headed off. Ed told Ben where to drive and we stopped outside a football bar. Ed said it was a local hang out for some of the Raiders and Forty-niners football guys. Ed gave us some football cards that he bought and told us we may get some them signed. The boys brought there banjo's to play and we all went in.

In the bar is seen the entire Raider defensive line. Scouts swamped the Bubba Boys. There was my idol Howie. I tried to get him to signed my card but he wouldn't. I knew it was because of these darn earrings. I thought I seen a guy that looked familiar wearing a leather jacket get up and leave. Another guy, I think, came into the bar wearing a pink shirt and pants. I heard the football players talk about him.

Howie came over to me and said, "I tell you what buddy, you get that guy in pink to leave and I'll sign you card. Okay?"

I was at the bar in a flash. I tapped the dude on the shoulder. It turned around to face me. "Hey, them football players don't want someone like you in here." I said.

The guy looked at them and then to me. " Football? Well I have you know that I'm the best bar room football player there ever is?" said the guy.

"Bar room football, what's that?" I asked.

" Well." the guy started, " To play bar room football you have to drink down a class of beer and belch for six points. If you can then fart you get a kick after point. Here I'll show you!" He took his mug and down it. He let out a belch and said " Six points!" then he pulled down his pants at me and farted. "Kick good, seven to nothing! Your turn."

I looked at him then to the guys. They were laughing at me. Well I couldn't let this guy out do me so I reached for a full mug and downed it. I let a deep loud belch. I looked at the guy and said, " Six points for me!" I turned around and pulled my pants down.

You know that dude pulled his down too and came running behind me yelling, " BLOCK THAT KICK! BLOCK THAT KICK!"

Before he could get to me Ed got him by the scruff of the neck. I took a mug and binged him on the head. Howie came over laughing and said that he would sign my card anytime but that we better get out of there before the cops come.

We ran outside and saw coming down the street a parade of motorcycles. The guy in the leather jacket I thought. He was one of them bikers today. Ed said, " Ohhh my! It's the Angels!"

"You mean THE Angels? The biker gang Angels?" I squeaked.

Ed responded with " RUN!!"

We were running in and out of the streets. We were is a strange part of San Fran. Guys were holding hands with other guys. Down the street we seen a group of bikers and cop cars with lights on behind us. " Ohh What now?" I yelled.

Ed said, "In here quick!" as he ran into a store. We followed him in to a clothing store. " In the stalls guys! Take off all them clothes and I'll get you something else to where for a disguise."

I jumped into a stall and stripped down. Ed tossed of some clothes and sandals and wanted my old clothes to hide. I tossed them over too. I started to put them on and said, " NO WAY!"

Ed yelled back, " You aint got time Hawg! These guys will kill you for real Hawg!"

I stepped out of that booth with a halter top on and blue jean shorts with the butt checks cut out and replaced with cellophane. Ed slapped a red wig on my head and removed the tape off my earrings. Ed was wearing a jogging suit with a wig. The Bubba Boys had giant moomoos on and hats.

"Hey Ed!" I yelled " Why are you wearing that and I'm wearing this, this, thing?"

Ed looked at the Boys and said. " I'm not wearing that, you going to wear that?"

Frank said, " I'm not wearing that!"

"I know!" Ben spoke up, " Let's get Hawg! He'll wor ana thin!"

They all had a good laugh at my expence. Out of the store we went. We kinda blended in with rest of the crowd wearing wigs and women's clothing. But the Bubba Boys stuck way out like sore thumbs. I thought of something and whisperd it to Cud.

Cud started playing the theme from deliverance and the other two Bubbas kicked in. A couple of dudes looked at each other and one said "Ohhh, they're playing our song!" A large crowd of these funny guys were gathering around listening to the Bubba Boys play. Geezzz, I thought get me out of this town.

Them biker guys spotted the Bubba boys and headed our way. The guy in pink was with the police and spotted me! I thought for a minute and then yelled " Them guys there assualted us!" pointing to the bikers. " And look what they did to my special freind!" as I pointed to the guy in pink that I beened with the mug.

The crowd grew angry at the bikers as they pulled up. The police were coming then stopped as the gays jumped on the biker gang. The police then jumped on all of them. We took off back down the street and finally made it to the truck. I told Ed thanks for the visit but we were gonna get the heck out of town. Ed said goodbye to us and said that he would send the bass to me later.

In the truck we went and out of that town we headed for home. As soon as we entered the city limits the truck broke down. to tired to do anything we slept in the trailer of the truck.

Something kept poking me in my side. I sat up, wig hanging down my face, butt was froze from exposure. That wasn't the bad part though. I awoke from a flashlight poking me. "OHH NO", I hung my head down and continued " Morning Officer "Donut" Luck just aint with the HAWG!

Take me back home!

Home, sweet home!: